It’s another sunny day here in Seattle. I had to be at work at 7:00 this morning for a meeting, and I woke up to a gorgeous sunrise. That made the early wake up a little easier. Plus quite honestly I had a huge cup of tea before bed, and instead of lolling in bed for a few minutes while watching last nights The Colbert Report (like usual) I had to jump up and use “the convenience”, as my extremely polite aunt says ;-). Though I imagine discussing using “the convenience” on the internet would probably go against her etiquette anyway…but I digress.

Snack time!

It’s a beautiful sunny day here in Seattle, and I am currently enjoying some pumpkin mush and a cup of Good Earth tea. If you haven’t had Good Earth tea I suggest you try some. I got mine from Trader Joe’s, but have seen it elsewhere. My co-op carries a few flavors, but thus far I have only had the Original and the Vanilla Chai. I am a HUGE fan of the original. It is spicy, with a little sweetness and makes a perfect drink for Autumn.

My pumpkin mush is leftover from dessert on Wednesday. Basically I take a can of puréed pumpkin and add a bunch of stuff to it.  This particular batch has pineapple chunks, flaked coconut, dried figs, date sugar, vanilla, and pumpkin pie spice. I was out of raisins or they would be in there too.  In about an hour and a half or 2 hours I will have a slice of my pumpkin cake and another cup of tea…this is why it is a pumpkin Friday :-D. I will be good for dinner though…oh wait. I plan on having butternut squash then ;-) hmmm perhaps I need to make different dinner plans. That might be a bit too squash heavy for the day.

My breakfast scramble was very tasty today. I did 3 eggs in virgin coconut oil with a tomato, 1 small leek, and an Anaheim pepper. Delicious!

I added a photo of my face to my “about” page. I am working on a “before and after” photo page too, so you all can see the difference, but once I lost the weight I deleted all the photos of me at my highest weight. Some people told me I should keep them to remind me what it was like so I won’t ever “do that again”. I completely disagree. I remember what that was like, I don’t need photographic evidence. I don’t need to be reminded of  the shame that I felt, of how people treated me. I know how much better I feel now. I know what needs to be done to stay healthy and I wish I had all the photos of that time so I could burn them and release that negative energy. The only reason I want a photo up for others to see (which is difficult as it is terribly painful for me to see those photos), is because I want people to know that they CAN do it. I lost 150 lbs. I was very into excuses about how I couldn’t do it, why I was just “naturally heavy” it was “in my genes” and all that B.S. I even had a doctor who told me I had a thyroid condition and put me on medication (later I was tested by another doctor who told me that I am well within the normal range). It isn’t about showing off, it is about showing you that it can be done. Without crazy fad diets, without fasting, without “cleanses” and calorie counting. It can be done with healthy eating, moderate exercise, and basically just nurturing yourself inside and out.

I do my best to live by the motto Primum non nocere or “first, do no harm”. Origins aside, it applies in medical ethics, and also can be found in other words in Neo-Paganism. I am not a doctor, and I am not really a Neo-Pagan, but I like that motto a lot, and I try to live by it when it comes to my body. Let’s say I strive for it, but I don’t always accomplish it. I am no saint after all. I do feel that it is what is necessary for overall health and wellness. Too much exercise or doing something too strenuous could harm you instead of heal you. The same thing goes for food and stress.  A few weeks ago I hurt my neck while trying to do the plow pose in yoga, that cause me to be in a great deal of pain for 3 days. Now, I recognize that there are certain poses I am just not ready for. I might not ever be able to do them, and that’s ok! We all have things we can’t do, sometimes we can practice, work at something, and get there…and sometimes we can’t. We are all different, we aren’t cookie cutters of each other, and again that’s ok.

This reminds me also that it isn’t helpful for us to compare ourselves with others. I am definitely guilty of this, but I try, try, try to remember that beauty is in the differences. I know this may sound weird, but hear me out.  I remember watching Schindler’s List and being stunned by this one scene (granted the whole movie is stunning and difficult to watch), but stepping outside of the horrendous accounts, there is a scene where a group of people inside one of the concentration camps are being forced to run around in a circle, naked in the Winter cold. The very thought sends chills down my spine, and makes me rage with anger. But if I step outside the true story, and see this as a film set, and these people as actors (which these particular people are), I was overtaken with the beauty of their bodies. They were not chosen because they had the Hollywood ideal body, they were chosen because they were real. The reality was beautiful. Each was different, and that made them far more interesting.

After losing a great deal of weight (basically an entire person), my skin did not bounce back to where it once had been. Unfortunately for me I have very stretchy skin, and am prone to stretch marks. I was VERY lucky in one way though, my father and my sister were so incredibly generous they paid for me to have a tummy tuck and breast lift after my weight loss. Let me reiterate though, this was JUST skin. On the morning of my surgery I weighed myself and that is where I got my number of 150 lbs loss. My weight loss was entirely do to the changes in my lifestyle. Because I had the surgery only a year ago there are some things I cannot now do because of it. There are many yoga positions that are currently impossible for me. I had a very extreme surgery where they sliced me from sternum to groin and hip to hip, this is called a fleur de lis abdominoplasty, and it is done for those who have excess skin that is above the belly button as well as below. I am extremely please with the results, but they are not perfect. I do have a small section that I am not as pleased with, and I could have fixed, but quite honestly the pain of recovery and the shock of it all was a bit much and I am hesitant to put myself through that again. I had an excellent surgeon, my scars are large, but they are fantastic compared to some photos I have seen of others. I do look a bit like Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas.  Also, I did not have surgery on my arms and thighs, and I do have excess skin there as well. Part of me wants to have this surgery done, but another part doesn’t want to go through all of that again. I do compare myself to others quite frequently when it comes to these areas. I don’t wear tank tops often. I am envious of women who can wear sleeveless and short sleeved clothing. I feel like if I do I will disgust people, and I feel like I look like I am 80 years old. For this reason I would love to have that surgery, but right now I do not have the money for it, nor the time to take off from work for the recovery.

Plastic surgery is no joke. Recovery is HARD. I spent many an hour in tears during mine, and while I am glad I had it done, I am terrified about going through it again. I may seem like I am not practicing what I preach, and that is probably true, but I am trying. I really am trying to see the beauty in my body as it is, and not compare it to the Hollywood type. Personally I would love to see more normal looking bodies in magazines and films. I prefer foreign films and British TV because the people don’t look like they have been perfected. They are beautifully real. I really think that the more we see that, the better off we will all be. There is a difference between vanity and health. I am not saying that you shouldn’t want to be beautiful, but there are so many different kinds of beauty, why try to stick with what is force fed you by marketing and Hollywood producers?

That was a LONG post! I hope some of you read it through fully, and I would love to hear your thoughts. This is something I am pretty insecure about so it would be really nice to hear input. I know I am not the only one who feels like this sometimes, but I think many of us just don’t talk about it.

We are each of us beautiful. Let’s try to not do ourselves harm. Be it with food, stress, over-exercising, or beating ourselves up. Perhaps that will help everyone in the long run. Love yourself, take care of yourself.

I do hope you have a wonderful Friday and a glorious weekend!